A man and his dog were walking down a country road, when they were hit by a truck. Coming to, the man found he was still on the same road, but now there were a pair of pearly gates just ahead of him.
"Where is this?" he asked the white-bearded gatekeeper.
"It's heaven," came the reply. "You were both hit by a truck and killed, and that's why you're here. Come on in – but we don't allow pets, so you'll have to leave the dog."
"I don't know," replied the man. "I think I'll just carry on walking a bit further."
A mile down the road, he came across another set of pearly gates. "Where is this?" he asked the gatekeeper.
"It's heaven," came the reply.
"But I thought heaven was a mile further back," said the man.
"No," said the gatekeeper. "That's hell. They're not very good neighbours, but at least they filter out people who would leave their best friends behind."

(that was also very poor. My apologies once again)
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

That's more of a 'the moral of the story' rather than a joke...but still, it's good!
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Viva La TTFE!

An MI6 operative arrived in a Welsh village pub, where he was to meet another agent. He looked around, but could not see his contact.
"Is Mr Jones around?" he asked the landlord.
"Why, nearly everyone in this pub is called Jones," explained the landlord, looking round. "Do you want Jones the Mail, Jones the Shop, Jones the Butcher, Jones the Farmer, Jones the Baker, Jones the Builder...?
"No, it's nobody here," said the agent.
"Oh," replied the landlord. "You want Jones the Spy. He's just popped to the gents."
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

i've just bought a share in a race horse called "my face", its not much cop, but i just want to hear those little tarts at ascot shouting "come on my face"!!!!
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myspace.com/jonny_freestyle
& facebook, bebo
No one dies a virgin, as life screws us all

50 years ago, when a group of white men chased a black man they were called the k.k.k. Today they call it Formula 1
_________________
myspace.com/jonny_freestyle
& facebook, bebo
No one dies a virgin, as life screws us all

men-opause
men-straul pain
men-tal illness
guy-neacologist
his-terectomy.................ever noticed that all womens problems start with a man lol.
_________________
myspace.com/jonny_freestyle
& facebook, bebo
No one dies a virgin, as life screws us all

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

A jump lead walked into a bar.
The barman said: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One said to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse!
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Viva La TTFE!

its important to keep fit as you get older. My granny started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Today she is 97 and we dont know where the f*ck she is.
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the cheerleader has landed!

What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? Virgin Megastore.

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."

Q: WHAT'S the difference between outlaws and inlaws

A. outlaws are wanted!

A couple were walking through Gorky Park when something started falling from the sky.
"Oh look, it's hail," said the woman.
"No, it's rain," replied the man.
"It's definitely hail," said the woman.
Then they met their friend, Rudolf, a member of the Communist party.
"So, is it rain or is it hail?" the woman asked him.
"It's rain," replied Rudolf with an air of confidence.
"You see," said the man. "Rudolf the Red knows rain dear."

(that one was quite good actually)
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"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear"
-Mark Twain